The Victim Mentality - Entitlement - Addiction
It is difficult at best to pin point the exact reason why one may find themselves in the grip of alcohol or drug addiction. newliferecovery.net was created to help people find information and ideas to consider in hopes of empowering the hurting individual to find hope and healing. We believe that addiction has it's roots at not only the personal level, but also a societal level, and the victim mentality is one way suffering manifests.
The victim mentality is a way of being in one’s life, a frame of reference of how one views oneself in relationship to the world. Everything is happening to them, instead of through them. When 80% of the general population, (Hawkins-Power vs. Force), believes they are at the effect of everything, and the cause of little or nothing, it is easy to see how this philosophy and belief system perpetuates. Even if victims do have some limited effect, they believe it to be impotent against the great powers that be.
If I allow myself to point to you, the government, my parents, the economy, or anything other than myself as the result of my troubles, I avoid having to look at myself. Many times one can get stuck in the therapy process by continuing to endlessly analyze oneself, what one feels, what one did, what one does, what happened to them, but never actually transcend the identified issues that would allow them to move beyond negativity and victim hood to true freedom.
The Victim Mentality Style
This can be seen in individuals who go from one drug treatment center to another, but never actually get sober. This explanation is assuming the individual is not suffering from a diagnosed mental illness, and is an otherwise healthy person who has made choices to abuse substances, and take a victim stance in life. Treatment for them has become a lifestyle, and they get to stay in the problem, rather than move into the solution. If I get to be the victim, the overindulged one, the entitled one, the misunderstood one, the abused one and the wronged one, I don’t have to be responsible for myself. It is just that simple.
Persons who feel victimized are often people who have become negative and developed a strong sense of entitlement. Victims tend to be boring people, and they will usually take great pains to share their troubles, negativity and overall boring lives with you. They will rarely if ever ask you anything about yourself. You can sit with these people for a couple of hours talking, and it will never occur to them to ask you anything about your life. It quite simply does not occur to them because their world view does not extend to include your thoughts or feelings. Victims, who are self centered by nature, self consumed and usually narcissistic, have a world view which is extremely constricted, and their only reference point in life is themselves.
Victims are interested in you if you have something they want, such as sex, money, drugs and the optimum is to be their audience. They also can easily fall into compulsive behaviors such as gambling, always trying to satisfy themselves via the five senses. The lasting affect that these individuals leave with you is toxic. This self centeredness, victim mentality typically drives all addictions. One would need relief from oneself somehow, some way, hence addiction ensues.
Feeling Better From The Outside In - Even In Recovery
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Victims are still trying to feel better “from the outside in”, to satisfy their insatiable desire to feel better-to feel anything. Victims are ususally selfish and it never occurs to them to give anything unless it is a manipulation to acquire something they want. The older more deceptive victims / or entitled ones, will usually have an agenda, and that is how we can see what is really going on, once we examine their motives in any exchange with them. A self serving victim would never call you just to say hello, and of true partnership they know little.
Victim's tend to live in their own little worlds, where the people in charge, the ones they refer to as “they”, are the powers to be. The “they people”, this invisible or identified external force is completely responsible for their woes, and their sad stymied, or over indulged lives. Usually these people are very much out of touch with normal reality. One woman still wants to “get” her ex husband for ruining her life, and she has been divorced from him for over 30 years. To talk to her, you would think it happened last week. She is stuck. This is an extreme example, and there are many levels of victim hood that fall in between the shades of gray. What would happen if this woman took the energy she has devoted for 30 years in negativity and grudges and focused on something positive? The implications are endless.
Dualistic Thinking
Part of it comes from thinking dualistically, which we are all taught at some point in this life time. We are led to believe that in this world there is always a this, causing a that. As long as we think from this very limited
paradigm, we can easily get stuck and feel out of control while at the mercy of the outside forces. Moreover, sometimes x$#! just happens, and it is a convergence of an infinite amount of things all coalescing at once. No one thing, person or circumstance to blame. Many feel that they should intuitively know the answers to major life issues, and never risk embarrassment (ego). The truth is however, that everyone is going through the same stuff, and we are all trying to figure out who we are, what we are, relationships, career, love, family, money and everything else.
How does one move out of being the victim? For starters, they have to want to, and that would mean they would first have to see the position they have adopted as unworkable. It requires moving out of one's comfort zone and getting honest. That is called hitting the wall, or hitting bottom, and if it happens in sobriety many will go back out and drink or use, rather than think or know something is wrong and do more work. It helps to see that whatever one resists in life, persists. Hazelden has an excellent pamphlet called the dry drunk syndrome that talks about those who are dry, but not enjoying a contented, happy sober life. Dishonesty is the central theme in their lives. If they lied, manipulated and cheated in business for example before stopping drinking, they will still do these behaviors even though they have 10 years of clean time, or (dry time).
Moreover, if someone has spent a life time developing a solid identity as a victim, a person who has had everything done “to them”, the question now becomes, how will they then define themselves if they move beyond being the victim? What if they choose to do the work and move beyond victim positionality? What would they talk about, what would they do, who would they be? No one to blame for the life one has, no one to point to.
Moving Beyond Victim Mentality
This is a very scary proposition for most; it represents the possibility of being wrong, and not knowing what to do. One of the most profound discoveries in recovery is adopting a position of humility; essentially getting to the place where we admit that we do not know. If we can begin to chip away, or unravel if you will, prevailing and all encompassing modes of ineffective thought, then healing and change can begin. One usually discovers that in not knowing, a certain level of freedom is attained. It requires willingness, the most necessary component of the recovery process. Without willingness, there is not much chance for real change.
Those who are committed to a spiritual way of life, usually spend much of their time in pursuit of a higher level of awareness. Being of service is one of the cornerstone attributes and activities of the 12 step programs. Getting out of self and thinking of another continually proves to be one of the most satisfying acts any human being can engage in. However, with the entitled one, or victim, they need to be alert and monitor their honest motives to truly benefit from this most simple act.
Here are 4 suggestions to begin to move out of the role of victim/entitlement:
1: Make eye contact and smile at a stranger
2: Try to wait 30 seconds before responding (self monitoring), better yet, just listen
3: Hold the door open for a stranger
4: Stop taking yourself so seriously, because no body else is-lighten up!
Not big things, but when one is accustomed to think only of themselves, they can be very big things. Sometimes we think that in order to be unselfish or generous we have to join the Peace Corps, or donate a million dollars to a charity. However, just practicing "kindness to all", 24/7 is one of the most spiritual and selfless things anyone of us can do.
This is how we begin to change, and with these simple changes, little by little, we find happiness and a peace, that prior to this way of being escaped us. When we honestly make first the decision, then apply the effort to get out of self serving behavior - change can and does occur. We are now operating from a position of power, no longer a victim, and we assume total responsibility for our lives. We forgive, and forget, because we now see that resentments are useless and a major interference to living a satisfying life. And, non too important, we forgive ourselves.
This does not happen overnight, it is a life long process, but we now find that we can handle life successfully. As a result of this style of living, our self esteem builds, fear goes away, and life now takes on purpose and meaning. Not only do we help ourselves, but we are now giving to our world as opposed to always taking from it. We are now living in the solution, part of the cure.
Can you imagine what would happen if we all lived in service to our fellow man? This is difficult, but not impossible to do until you know that all your needs will be met by a power greater than you, but that comes too, in time.
By: Lisa Marie Anderson-Director/Developer of newliferecovery.net
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