What role does the codependent play in the life of the addict?
Addiction is a family disease, and this explanation is in no way exhaustive, however it is an actual example of the family dynamic in addicted relationships. More often than not, it is the wife or mother of a loved one who contacts us for help for the addicted family member or spouse. They have reached the end of their rope, or the alcoholic/drug addict has hit bottom and finally asked for help. This is a critical point, and just the beginning. Most of the residential treatment centers listed on newliferecovery.net have a Family Program as part of their treatment program outline. This is a necessary component in recovery and the family members have an opportunity see "their part" in the addiction process.
For example, what happens if a mother of a still living at home 26 year old drug addict actually recovers and gets well? This stay at home mother's role has been to care for her son for 26 years now and rescue him from endless problems that his irresponsible behavior has resulted in. He has learned that although his mother is deeply disappointed, she will still bail him out of jail, make his car and insurance payments, give him spending money, make his dinner, wash his clothes, and clean his room. He makes promises to his mother that he will change, she is satisfied and they continue on in their unhealthy codependent relationship. As they say, if nothing changes...nothing changes.
The mother loves her son, and she convinces herself that her son would be lost without her. She may or may not be aware of the fact that if she did not have her son to lament over, she would probably have a very empty life. With all of her focus directed on saving her suffering addict son, she has no time to create a life for herself, or examine her own issues. What would her son do without her? She is needed, or at least this is what she tells herself. She will also complain to anyone who will listen about how her son drives her crazy, year after year, after year. This is the identity she has carved out for herself, externally referenced care taker. This position depicts martyrdom.
In this scenario, the young man has not had the opportunity to grow up, and become a mature, functioning contributing member of society. Additionally, because he has not had to make a life for himself, which includes the trials, tribulations and joys that are the consequence of living one's life, his self esteem is little or non existent. He has been raised now with a solid sense of "entitlement", and in his mind, the world owes him. He is angry, restless and discontent. In some cases this person can become dangerous. If he does secure a job and move out of his mother's house, it usually does not last. He has developed no reasoning or coping skills, and more importantly has fostered no empathy for others. Time and years pass while he lives with Mom (the only one that really understands him) and now he is 44 years old.
Willingness for a better life is the prerequisite to moving out of these stuck patterns of existence. Change is the key to lasting recovery for both the addict and the codependent. The funny thing is that the only constant in life is "change", however we as human beings have a hard time embracing change, even if we believe it will improve our present situation. We want improved circumstances, but have a hard time improving ourselves. Change is necessary if we want to fully participate in life, and enjoy lasting sober recovery. Remember, there is power in beginning.
This is just one example of how the family dynamic plays out in addiction. For the best codependency treatment centers-click here.
Although women make up the biggest majority of people who become co dependent to others in a debilitating way, more men have now joined the ranks. One way codependency can manifest in a man's life is with regard to him thinking and believing he has no significance unless he is in relationship with a women. Both men and women will in some cases go from one relationship to another, regardless of how bad they are, because being with someone is critical to their sense of self. Love relationship codependency can turn dangerous when mixed with anger, resentment, drugs and/or alcohol. One man would drive 300 miles at his girlfriend's request, completely drunk, because he was so sickly attached to her. He received 3 DUI arrests in a 12 month period. He finally sought treatment, and in the process of rehab discovered his codependent tendency and how much pain it caused him, but prior to that had no understanding of relationship addiction or unhealthy attachment to others. He has been clean, sober and happy for the past 8 years.
Prescott House offers excellent recovery for men who struggle with unhealthy relationship patterns and codependency.
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Patterns and Characteristics of Codependency
These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation.
They may be particularly helpful to newcomers.
Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.
I lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others.
I label others with my negative traits.
I can take care of myself without any help from others.
I mask my pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation.
I express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways.
I do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom I am attracted.
Low Self Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge what I think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough.
I am embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.
I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings, and behavior over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
I constantly seek recognition that I think I deserve.
I have difficulty admitting that I made a mistake.
I need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and will even lie to look good.
I am unable to ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I perceive myself as superior to others.
I look to others to provide my sense of safety.
I have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects.
I have trouble setting healthy priorities.
Compliance Patterns:
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger.
I put aside my own interests in order to do what others want.
I am hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.
I am afraid to express my beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.
I accept sexual attention when I want love.
I make decisions without regard to the consequences.
I give up my truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change.
Control Patterns:
I believe most people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel.
I freely offer advice and direction to others without being asked.
I become resentful when others decline my help or reject my advice.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I want to influence.
I use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be needed in order to have a relationship with others.
I demand that my needs be met by others.
I use charm and charisma to convince others of my capacity to be caring and compassionate.
I use blame and shame to emotionally exploit others.
I refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate.
I adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes.
I use terms of recovery in an attempt to control the behavior of others.
I pretend to agree with others to get what I want.
Avoidance Patterns:
I act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward me.
I judge harshly what others think, say, or do.
I avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a means of maintaining distance.
I allow my addictions to people, places, and things to distract me from achieving intimacy in relationships.
I use indirect and evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation.
I diminish my capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use all the tools of recovery.
I suppress my feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable.
I pull people toward me, but when they get close, I push them away.
I refuse to give up my self-will to avoid surrendering to a power that is greater than myself.
I believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness.
I withhold expressions of appreciation.
The Patterns and Characteristics of Codependency may not be reprinted or republished without the express written consent of Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. This document may be reprinted from the website www.coda.org (CoDA) for use by members of the CoDA Fellowship.
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